“I am NOT. Hitting that.”

This is Lost’s Big Lipped Alligator Episode, so I’ve decided to make this the topic’s Big Lipped Alligator review. By that, I mean I’m going to write this entire review in the style of a Whose Line is it Anyway? hoedown. So let’s hear the “Fire + Water Hoedown!” Take it away… Jack!

[Jack, seated at a grand piano that has appeared on the beach, begins a surprisingly competent Hoedown tune. Locke, Charlie, Claire, Mr. Eko, Ana Lucia, Liam Pace, Michael, and Sawyer form a line.]

LOCKE: “Well I tuned into tonight’s Lost, I thought it was just fine!
I wanted to know what the fans thought, so I went online!
Imagine my surprise, this episode did not fly!
And how am I on the Internet? The Swan has no wi-fi! YEE-HAW!”

CHARLIE: “I’ve had a really bad week, I’m gettin’ lots of flack!
My girlfriend, she kicked me out, I’m coming down from smack!
Hey, I’m holding a baby! How did he get here?
Well here comes Locke to explain-” *PUNCH* *PUNCH* *PUNCH*

CLAIRE: “Well Chahlie took my bay-bee, he took him on a whim.
He set the beach on fire, I doubt I’ll forgive him.
You may think it’s melodramatic, you may think it’s lame.
But I will take it over a story about Kate’s plane!”

MR. EKO: “Chawlie, he came up to me, his soul in disarray!
He wanted Aaron baptized but I said ‘it’s not deh way!’
I’m not qualified anyway, he should take another pick.
Would a real priest sit here playing with his Jesus stick?

ANA LUCIA: “Well Jack and I are workin’, making an army if you please.
It’ll be made up of some people, or perhaps a swarm of BEES.
But I think I’m losin’ interest, I’m gettin’ all off track.
I think I’d rather find out, if Kate is screwin’ Jack!”

LIAM: “I show up in this flashback, but it’s not all that swell,
I dance around in diapers, it doesn’t end that well.
It’s really not that interesting, it reveals little that is new.
A redundant flashback? Hey, welcome to Season 2!”

MICHAEL: “Well I’m not in this episode, I’m still on the run!
No one wanted to help me, although THEY TOOK MY SON!
WAAAAALT? WHERE ARE YOU, MAN? WAAAAAALT! WHY AM I SINGING THIS? WHY DID I AGREE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS HOEDOWN? I’VE GOT TO KEEP LOOKING FOR MY BOY! WAAAAALT! WAAAAALT!”

SAWYER: “Hurley fancies himself a lady, it’s Libby to be precise.
I wanted to help him out, so I gave him some advice!
I hope it all works out for him, there seems to be affection.
Even though he wants to get into her tail section.”

ALL: “GET INNN-TO HEEER TAIL SECTIONNN!”

[Jack finishes the song with a flourish, then makes an alarmed Jackface as he realizes the tide has taken him and the piano out to sea.]

Rating: 8/10
Average: 7.54/10
Ranked 6th out of 12 episodes.

(Ok, but really. I never had a problem with “Fire + Water.” The two major complaints about Charlie and Locke being out of character weren’t an issue for me. Now sure, Charlie’s descent into madness could have been better motivated. I was convinced the first time through that he either had used again or was the first victim of “The Sickness.” Now it appears that without his slightly more wholesome dependence on Claire/Aaron and with the heroin tempting him, his mental state was affected enough send him into a kind of delayed, psychological withdrawal. Maybe not quite enough to make me believe that he would set a fire on the beach, but I can see the intent. And Locke punching Charlie is symptomatic of his deep down frustration with the Swan Station… we know he has anger issues, and seeing one of his “projects” fail so spectacularly brought them to the forefront. “Fire + Water” was melodramatic for sure, and definitely dark, but on those levels it worked for me.)